Copyright © 2011 James R. Clifford. All Rights Reserved.
A National Indie Excellence Award-Winning Finalist
Spring 2008
Dear Board of Governors of Federal Reserve System,
Please accept my letter to become a Bank Holding Company.
I feel my request to become a bank holding company should be granted without delay because my institution’s solvency is at risk and I feel a default is imminent.
The systemic risk to the entire market would be catastrophic if I were allowed to go bankrupt. Not to mention the thought of having to get a real job with a boss, responsibilities and actually having to produce something of value to society is, well almost enough to make me wish that I hadn’t acted so recklessly over the last few years.
Now I did say—almost—didn’t I? Because now I have TARP to bail my sorry behind out.
Again, I stress time is of the essence. See after buying a new boat on credit because I just couldn’t help myself, I fear I will not be able to survive past this weekend and I can’t emphasize enough that it would be best for all parties involved to have a deal in place before the Asian markets open up on Sunday night.
We need to keep my—I mean—this systemic contagion in check if we are going to save me—I mean— every man, woman and child in the United States.
In the interest of transparency and full disclosure the other reason these funds need to be allocated in such a short time frame is because there are football games on this weekend but my bookie won’t let me place any more bets with him until I pay off my enormous gambling debts that I have incurred from losing 78 of the last 79 bets I have placed.
I feel this bailout—I mean taxpayer investment—is a no-brainer. I mean if AIG, General Motors, Goldman Sachs, American Express, General Electric etc etc can apply to become a bank holding company—
Why can’t I?
I mean I am only requesting $700,000 which is only 1% of 1% of 1% of the initial but ever-expanding TARP budget.
I feel I qualify to be approved and I promise to spend the funds faster than a drunken 18 year old sailor in a Mexican—you know what.
Or better yet I’ll try to do as good a job as AIG who has already blown through 150 billion of tax-payer dollars in less than 6 months
My qualifications to receive these funds include:
1)Like virtually 97.49% of all financial institutions in the United States I really screwed up—but hey—
Like virtually 97.49% of all financial institutions in the United States I really screwed up—but hey—at least I admit it! I willfully and recklessly spent with drunken abandon all the while increasing my debt levels to amounts that could never possibly be paid off. And when things started to become a little tight I did what all respectable financial institutions do in the United States—I leveraged up—added more risk—
paid myself an enormous, undeserved bonus and then took a long vacation to the Greek Islands all the while praying somehow, someone would bail my sorry-ass out.
And with the collective genius of the President, Congress, Federal Reserve and the Treasury—my dreams have come true and I can get back to wasting money with wonton abandon with no forethoughts as to what the next twenty-nine minutes might bring.
2)My second qualification to receive these funds is also consistent with other Bank Holding Companies. Initially, I understand that the TARP funds were to be used to service bad debts but now the money is strategically being used to recapitalize insolvent financial institutions so they can make ill-timed, horrible acquisitions of other insolvent companies and more importantly, pay their unaccountable corrupt executives large salaries and huge bonuses.
My second qualification to receive these funds is also consistent with other Bank Holding Companies. Initially, I understand that the TARP funds were to be used to service bad debts but now the money is strategically being used to recapitalize insolvent financial institutions so they can make ill-timed, horrible acquisitions of other insolvent companies and more importantly, pay their unaccountable corrupt executives large salaries and huge bonuses.So in keeping with the spirit of the TARP program instead of paying down debt and showing fiscal responsibility I will spend this money entirely on myself trying to keep alive the American Dream of owning more crap than my next door neighbors. And I feel I have lived in a fashion that would make most top-level banking executives proud—and quite simply—just like them I feel I have suffered enough. I deserve to be able to buy myself anything I want and the TARP program is just the answer.
In fact, I believe this government solution is an even better scam—I mean investment vehicle—than maxed out credit cards, liar loans or long extinguished home equity lines. In terms of how I came up with the $700,000 figure? Well, it just sounded like a nice round number and it is enough that I can have fun for a while. But more importantly, I am confident that I can pretty much blow the entire amount in time to receive a fresh round of bailout—I mean taxpayer money—by next summer.
I hope you find my application in good order and I appreciate if my funds are wired to my account as soon as possible.
God Bless America
James R Clifford
President Clifford Bank Corp
In October 2008 in response to a serious crisis of the United States banking system the US Congress passed the Troubled Asset Recovery Program (TARP). The plan sounded like a good one at first except for the fact that after almost three years we now know that pretty much $0 was spent on purchasing illiquid assets, trillions disappeared in some banking blackhole and the banks are once again in a collapse mode.
I sometimes wonder how I slipped into this parallel universe? For the last three years I have been trying to find a way back to my old universe but I have been unsuccessful. If anyone knows the way let me know.
Anyway, I thought it was appropriate to post my Bank Holding Company and letter that I sent to the Federal Reserve in 2008 asking to be granted personal bank holding status.
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